Hotel "Living"

Captain’s Log: Day 3 inside the Belly of the Beast…

Oh, boy.  As everyone already knows, talking about an unpleasant situation and living an unpleasant situation are two very different things.  First of all, let me say this:  Our family is so incredibly lucky.  I am acutely aware of this and I feel I am reminded every day.  Just the other day when the movers came to pack up our house, I said to the head mover, (I see now ignorantly), “I don’t know how you guys do this intense amount of work day in and day out for 8+ hours a day,” to which the mover simply replied, “it pays the bills.”  We are so, so lucky.

Greg received a coveted career opportunity that allowed us to move to Texas.  We have a brand new house being built as we speak (hence the hotel living).  We are financially able for me to go back to school and get a Master’s online while I’m home with the baby.  Lucky, lucky, lucky.  Grateful, grateful, grateful.

A little background about Greg and me, we have always loved change.  As we look around us at friends, family, anyone really, we see that most do not welcome change with the level of excitement that we do.  We’ve come to realize we are the exception rather than the rule in this way.

When we moved to Virginia, it was an adventure.  When we moved to California, it was an adventure.  Now that we are in the process of moving to Texas, it is also…you guessed it… an adventure.  Now, that being said, here come the big fat BUT… the limbo in which we find ourselves at present has provided us with opportunities; opportunities to be patient, opportunities to work as a team, opportunities not to commit murder or cry into a giant bottle of wine, etc.

Greg and I arrived at the hotel on Saturday evening with two dogs, a baby, and all their (and our) luggage.  We were so exhausted from our long day that we basically crashed shortly after we arrived. I hardly noticed the urine smell in the room from previous animals.  The hardest day so far (of the 3…there are 60ish more…*immediately starts crying*) was yesterday.  It was Greg’s first day back to work so I was in charge of the dogs and the baby.  The dogs need to go out about three times a day, and Maggie needs to be carried on a front backpack thing so that I have enough hands to handle the dog leashes.  The first time I took them out, I made the huge mistake of using the stroller to carry Maggie.  I had pulled a muscle in my neck the day before and didn’t think I could carry Maggie in the backpack, but honestly it would’ve been easier just to do it and ignore my neck pain.  The dogs kept getting tangled on each other, the stroller, and my legs.  Anyway, I learned quickly and long story short, someone needed to be fed, changed, walked, comforted, etc. every hour of the day.  Also, it still smelled like urine in the room and I begged Greg to pick up some Febreze on his way home.  Exhausting day.

TV works occasionally.  Otherwise it's the Poltergeist snow.

 After Greg arrived home, I told him I was going to try to do some laundry.  We need to walk across the parking lot to the lobby building in order to get to the laundry room.  I took a giant suitcase full of clothes and two big jugs of detergent (baby and adult), only to find that a couple was in the closet-sized laundry room using all six washers/dryers.  I sighed and turned around to go back to the room.  I dragged the suitcase out of the lobby, down the step, across the parking lot, up the ramp, through three doors and down two halls, back to the room.  I went back an hour later to find the same couple filling more washers with more clothes, and I gave up for the day.  We went to bed to the sound of a heavy toddler running in circles on the floor above us.

Maggie seems to be doing okay.  She just needs the floor and some toys and she's entertained.

Sleep can do wonders for your willpower (and sanity).  I woke this morning ready to start over, determined to pull my weight in this family.  I got Maggie up, fed her, and fed the dogs.  Then I strapped Maggie to me and again dragged the suitcase and two jugs of detergent to the laundry room.  Thankfully, it was open and I started three loads of laundry.  Then I headed back to walk the dogs and so on and so on.  Grabbed the laundry when it was ready, only to find that I could’ve saved a few quarters by having one of the desk clerks breathe on my clothes for a minute or two, but alas I would not be dissuaded!  I dragged the damp clothes back to the room and hung them on every usable surface to dry.  So you are probably starting to get the picture here.

These dogs have seen better days.

I know this situation is temporary.  I know we will be in a beautiful new home soon and this will all be worth it.  Meanwhile, we are all counting the days.

Inspirational Women I Know

Today the itch to write came over me, as it sometimes does.  However, the problem this time was that I wanted to write about a topic other than myself.  I could write about my current life, my baby, my preparations for graduate school, blah blah blah, but it all seemed to feel icky.  I sometimes feel like having a blog is so self-indulgent and I panic after I share it, afraid that others will think, "here she is again, going on and on about herself."  Ick.  So I sat on my couch, leaned back with my face parallel to the ceiling for a few minutes (Maggie was down for her nap so I was not asleep at the parenting wheel, I assure you) and then  suddenly it came to me.

I am lucky enough to have met some really interesting and beautiful women throughout my life.  Truly, every single woman I have ever met has taught me something important, either on purpose or by accident.  Women in general are such beautiful, amazing, resilient beings and I am so, so fortunate to have met so many great ones.  That being said, I could write a book on all the amazing women who've passed through my life, but for the sake of readability, I narrowed it down to five.

In order to do that, I had to think in my mind about women who have influenced me.  I decided on women closer to my age because I think it makes them all the more special.  They have been on this planet approximately the same time as I have and yet their experiences are so vastly different.  I find myself watching these women via Facebook, Instagram, etc. and I am in awe.  Also, most of the women I selected for this post I have not spoken to, really spoken to on a personal friendship level, in a while, in some cases years.  That was intentional, (the selection for this post, not the not speaking to them part). I selected them in particular because I wish to express how inspired I am by them and how much of an impact they have made, and still continue to make, on me.  After I post this, some of these foxy ladies will be like "ummmmmm....maybe I need to stop revealing so much of myself on Facebook because obviously I have a creepy fan stalker."  To that I simply say, "WHY CAN'T WE BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER WAHHHHHH!"  Anyway...

Disclaimer:  these women are not ranked.  As you will see, each one is so incredibly different and to rank them would be offensive to their originality. Also, I have made a link to these women's art sites so find the link in my paragraph about them and check them out!!   So, with that...

1.  Theresa



Theresa is one of the most gorgeous and genuine people I have ever met in my life.  She is an artist in its truest form.  She has convictions, beliefs, and morals that she stands for actively every single day.  She is a feminist, and she has taught me the value and grace of being a woman.  She makes beautiful jewelry and she donates a portion of all her sales to charity, specifically Children of the Night.

What I love most about Theresa is that she did not wait for anyone to tell her what she should do and who she should be.  She is uniquely different in that she knows who she is, what she deserves, and what she wants to do.  She also believes in the good of others in a way that I had never thought to before.

I admire so much about her and if I could cut/paste qualities into my life, it would be her strength of self.  She takes up space in this world and she is not sorry for it.


2.  Audrey



I knew Audrey in high school.  We had a few classes together and mostly hung out at school, though I do recall going to her house in the coolest friggin' neigborhood around.  Anyway, I digress.  We are Facebook friends now mostly and I think it's safe to say that we do watch each other's lives unfold with interest, at least I do.  Audrey has always stood out to me.  In high school it was because she seemed so much more mature than the other girls.  She lent me "Confessions of a Shopaholic" because she raved about how good it was.  She also gave me an old chocolate box that she'd decoupaged with magazine clippings from the day.  (I still have it, by the way.  I keep my nail polishes in there.)  She is a great artist and she works in a bookstore (so jealous!).

I actually plan to purchase some orchids she makes out of paper from an old copy of Pride and Prejudice. How amazing and beautiful is that?  (*Formal business deal to follow, Audrey!)  Anyway, it is obvious that Audrey is beautiful on the outside, but she is also incredibly smart, and yearns for beautiful things to enrich her soul.  I admire that in her because I too look for those things.  I find her Facebook entries, even about everyday life, are amusing and witty.  I find I look forward to anything she has to say about anything.

If I could cut/paste her qualities into my life, it would be her wit and wherewithal to surround herself with a life she enjoys; a life that, if picked apart by some random person like, say, me, would look like a reflection of her.  Smart, meaningful, beautiful.

3.   Lillian



Beautiful, beautiful woman inside and out.  Lily is also someone I knew from high school.  Similar to Audrey, she is brilliant, funny, witty, goofy, and genuine.  Lily and I got somewhat close toward the later years of high school and I'm sure all would agree when I said that everyone who came in contact with her adored her.  She was homecoming queen, and there couldn't have been a better choice in the world, let alone our school.  She obliterated stereotypes and floated from one social group to another.  She was kind to everyone and she gave each person 100 friend credits right off the bat.  Lily, on top of being beautiful, loved to get weird in the funniest ways, like we all want to do from time to time.  This was probably my number one draw to her.  She too surrounds herself with crafts, art, and writing.  She is a librarian now (I see a theme here in these women I admire), and she is also an artist who focuses on blending art with words. (*Proper request for one of your pieces coming soon from me, Lily!) I find with her too that I look forward to the little quips she posts on Facebook.

If I could cut/paste her qualities into my life, it would be her spirit and faith in people above all else.  I think she has evolved into the woman she is even though she's been in there the whole time, like she has made room for herself, if that makes any sense.  I think she always knew, on some level, that she was a force to be reckoned with, and I think she has learned to use it as a superpower, making her a super-person (see what I did there? Thank you! ... I'll show myself out).

4.  Julie



Julie is part parrot.  Just kidding, but seriously, she is unlike all the others because I only met Julie once a year or two ago but I cannot and will not unfriend her.  I am a true fan of hers and her work.  Greg and I decided to do one of those Paint Nite classes down in LA, you know, where you go to a restaurant, drink wine, and someone teaches you how to paint a picture on canvas.  Julie was the assistant who would walk around and give suggestions about how to use the paint brush or blend colors, etc.  I immediately took to her because our senses of humor seemed spot on compatible.  She gave me her card and said she also had her own business called Let's Gogh Paint.

First of all, I love puns so winner, winner chicken dinner.  I also loved that she had a friggin' body painting business!  How impressive that is  Obviously she is good at it but I also admire her courage.  I'm pretty sure she told me she was from Massachusetts and moved to LA to work on her career.  Awesome.  From what I can tell, she books gigs all the time and has so much to show for it.

If I could cut/paste her qualities into my life, no question, it would be her courage.  I know I have things I am good at, and I constantly toy with the idea of starting my own business.  People like Julie show me that it can be so rewarding to take that leap.  I wish we lived closer so we could be besties.


5.  Liz



I am aware that you can't really see Liz's face in this photo, but I chose it from my Facebook stalking collection to illustrate my point.  Liz is an adventurer.  I am so, so proud to know someone so spontaneous and adventurous.  Like Julie, Liz refuses to put her dreams on a shelf to gather dust.  She has traveled to all seven continents and she currently works in Antarctica.  No biggie, just Antarctica.  I am fascinated by the way her brain works.  She is smart, of course, but she is also not swayed by what others think of her.  I absolutely love her for this.  She is kind to others and she values peoples' opinions, but she is sure of, and bets on, the uncertainties.  I feel so braggy when I talk about my friend Liz to others because I assume, by association, it makes me as cool as her.  It doesn't, but let me pretend.

If I could cut/paste her qualities into my life it would be her assuredness and her bravery to act on her dreams.


So those are my women.  I feel so proud to have met them, if even for a short time.  In my dreams, we would gather every Sunday on Skype, glass of wine in hand, to chat about books we've read or just things we think are ri-god-damn-diculous (because each of these women would appreciate intellectual conversation as well as irreverent banter, I think).  They are amazing, inspirational, beautiful women from whom I continue to learn.  I salute you!

The story of Maggie

As many of you know, Maggie was born under rather dramatic circumstances.  It was a surprise to say the least, because the start of my pregnancy was perfect; my symptoms few and very mild.  I couldn’t even really say I had morning “sickness” because it consisted only of nausea for a few minutes, a couple of times. 

Little seedlings of fear occasionally popped into my head during the pregnancy, which I think is common for any mother-to-be.  Is the baby going to be healthy? Am I going to successfully carry her?

As the first trimester came and went, I started to relax a little.  Knowing the first trimester is the most important for growth and viability, I felt that the scariest, or rather “most fragile” part was over.  My belly did get bigger but not overwhelmingly so.  My pants no longer fit and my baggy t-shirts did get snug.  I noticed, though, that my face and limbs were filling out significantly, but I chalked that up to “well, this is just my body when it gets pregnant.”  My feet and legs were like tree trunks, swelling well over my shoes.  Again, I thought this was just pregnant Caitlin.

I had a blood pressure cuff at home and I monitored it every once in a while at my doctor’s request.  More and more I found my blood pressure higher than I would have liked, but nothing to seriously worry about.  At my doctor’s appointments, they would take my blood pressure and weigh me as part of the routine check-up, and my doctor felt the same.  She certainly didn’t like my blood pressure or my rapid weight gain (the worst was 20 lbs in 2 weeks), so she said we needed to watch it carefully.

Here's how I looked at the beginning of the pregnancy.

Here's how I looked about two weeks before I had her.

At this point I suppose I was a little bit in denial about my health.  I was fairly well-informed to the symptoms of pregnancy, but in retrospect I think I tried to fit certain symptoms into the realm of “normal” pregnancy that truly did not fit.

Monday morning on June 16, while walking my normal 1.5 mile route, I felt very odd.  I was run-down and exhausted, but it was definitely not typical.  I knew something was wrong but again, I deluded myself into thinking everything was fine.  When I returned home, I was worried enough to call my mother.  I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom with my back against the wall because I was too tired to stand.  I had the blood pressure cuff on the floor next to me, plugged into the outlet.  Of course, my blood pressure was very high, and my mother told me to get to the doctor.  I reassured her that I was fine and that I had an appointment later that day.  I would bring it up to the doctor when I visited.

I drove to the routine appointment and simply by chance, Greg and I made plans to meet there so he could go over some insurance related paperwork with one of the staff members so he joined me at the appointment.  In the waiting room, I told Greg that I didn’t feel right but quickly followed it up with rationalizations.  They weighed me, took my blood pressure, which had skyrocketed and did a urine test.  I remember sitting on the exam chair with Greg next to me when the doctor came in.  She cut right to the chase and told me I needed to be admitted immediately because my blood pressure was at a dangerous level and there was protein in my urine (a bad sign).  She also said she may have to deliver the baby today but she wasn’t sure.  My heart sank and I immediately started crying but nodded and grabbed my purse to go to the hospital.  I was 29 weeks and 6 days along at that point.

Of the dozens of thoughts racing through my mind, it always came back to one: Is my baby going to make it?

I was admitted to the hospital and escorted to a room.  The nurse asked me to change into a hospital gown and as I went to the bathroom to change, I sobbed.  I kept thinking that it shouldn’t be this way.  After a few minutes, I pulled myself together and got in the hospital bed.  I didn’t get out of that bed for over four days, not even to use the bathroom. I was on a magnesium sulfate drip, which keeps the blood pressure down but also caused me to be very loopy and confused.

Trying to make the best of it.

Thursday morning, I had a dull ache in my abdomen, just under my right rib. By noon, the pain had escalated to almost unbearable.  It was difficult to speak and all I could do was try to focus on unraveling my constricted body, which by this point was curled into a tight fetal position.  I remember trying to almost meditate to try to handle the pain.  It was the most intense pain I had ever felt.  I truly thought I was dying.  It turned out that my liver was distending, a symptom of HELLP syndrome.  A blood test showed that my liver enzymes were off the chart and my platelets were dropping near the point of a blood transfusion.  The only cure to save my life and Maggie’s was immediate delivery.

Despite the pain pulling at most of my attention, I remember the nurse saying it was time to prep me for delivery.  I remember looking at Greg in a panic.  He was so wonderful, saying it was going to be okay and smiling, but I knew he was scared too.  While most of me dreaded the idea of delivering Maggie early, a small part was relieved at the idea that the pain would be coming to an end soon.

This was a photo Greg sent to his family right before going in to the OR. Game face!
Look at his eyes, to me they look worried.

They struggled to find a vein because my limbs had swelled like balloons.  The nurses couldn’t find a vein (though they kept trying, poking me incessantly with the needles), then the charge nurse tried (and failed), and then the anesthesiologist.  Finally, after maybe 9 or 10 failed attempts to start a pic line, the anesthesiologist found a vein, with the help of a machine that shows veins under the skin.

Some of the damage on one of my arms, days later, from trying to find a vein.

They wheeled me into the OR and as soon as the anesthesiologist gave me the spinal tap (and morphine because I could still feel the pain from my liver), my body began to relax after hours of debilitating pain.  After that moment, I didn’t care what they did to me. 

Greg was there with me and held my hand, for which I am so grateful.  If his current career doesn’t work out, he should be an actor or a professional poker player because he portrayed nothing but excitement to meet our baby and pride that I was doing so well.  I know now that he was very afraid of losing me, the baby, or both of us.  He put on a good face in the hopes of keeping me calm.

About 45 minutes later, Maggie was born.  5:06pm on June 19, 2014; 2 lbs, 9 oz.  She stayed in the NICU for 43 days.

My baby girl, out of the oven too soon.

That's my hand in there with her.

The reason for this long story is this: I did not plan to have this kind of experience, obviously.  This being my first child, I’d never experienced the intense worry that comes with being a parent.  Parents have told me that the worry will never go away, and I believe them.  When I left the hospital after nine days, I was so tired and knew she was in capable hands, but I worried so much for her.  I don’t think my worries were completely unreasonable, seeing that she was less than three pounds and 10 weeks early.  I had nightmares when I slept.  I visited her twice a day every day until she was home, which helped, but I still worried incessantly.  I seemed to obsess over the fear of losing her.

Then I realized something that was so freeing.  I was worried about losing her because I was in love with my baby.  I had never before experienced such a strong instinct to take care of someone else and, with her in the NICU, I couldn’t.  I misinterpreted obsessive worry with maternal love and concern.  Once I realized this, it was like my mind relaxed and I could really enjoy her without worrying so much.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a mother so therefore I worry, but now I think it is more in the healthy realm.

When she was finally ready to come home with us! August 1!

I am obsessed with this beautiful girl and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I am so fortunate that she not only survived, but is thriving.  And I am fortunate that I am alive and healthy enough to take care of her.  I am one lucky mama and she has made me so, so happy.

My gorgeous goofball!  That's a shirt on her head.

<3