As I sit up in my bed at 1:05am pacific time, thanks in part to my beautiful 12-week-old daughter, combined with my first ingestion of coffee in almost a year enjoyed earlier this evening, I feel a mixture of various thoughts and feelings.
My first thought is how poorly I worded that first run-on sentence and how long I stared at it in an attempt to make it better. Then I thought, honestly, who cares. This is not a college essay or a published news article. I need to focus on the substance of what I intend to say and not how I am trying to come across as articulate.
So with that silly introduction out of the way, allow me to move into other topics and forgive me for any poor grammar you may endure. Please remember it is 1am and I am sleep deprived. Also I am typing this on my tablet like one long text message.
To begin, I want to discuss the topic of my own self actualization and analysis. While I know it will be a forever-evolving process, I must say I am fortunate to have had the time and experiences in the past year to help me better realize who I am and (in part) what I want.
I quit my job at a PR agency about 10 months ago, where I had been for four years. Shortly after that, Greg and I decided to start our family because I now had the time to care for a baby. Getting pregnant, celebrating it, and preparing for Baby's arrival was a wonderful distraction for many months. It temporarily filled the void of working because I stayed busy, and it provided the promise of a quasi-complete future to put my "work self" into. However, the thought that I needed to be planning for my career's future always loomed overhead. I did have graphic design gigs as well as pet sitting, for which I am certified, but those were meant to provide us with extra income, as well as something enjoyable to do.
Despite the commissioned work, anxiety rose in my throat when I thought about the time I was "wasting" while out of the working world. Don't get me wrong, it is important to both Greg and me that I am home to raise our kids, at least while they are little. My mother, as well as Greg's, did that for us. Still, I envision my future interviews when I decide to jump back in going something like this:
Interviewer: so, Ms. Ward, why have you been out of the job market for so many years and why do you wish to come back now?
Me: well, I took time off to raise my kids and now they are old enough for me to go back to work.
Interviewer: I see. So you have no relevant work experience in the last (x number of) years?
Me: um... I suppose not, but I am extremely motivated to get back to work and I know I will do a great job if given the opportunity.
Interviewer: yeah. Thanks for coming in.
This is my own personal nightmare: to be overlooked as a worthy candidate and forced to start at the bottom again because I left the game for so long. I worked very hard in college with the idea that I would get somewhere with my career. Despite the joke of a job market right now and despite my new full-time job as a mama, I cannot in good conscience abandon my dream to have a fulfilling career. It's simply ingrained in me to work hard and have something to show for it.
I have a few extremely intelligent allies in my life who wish the best for me and have the good advice to help me get there. To give credit where credit is due, that list includes my aunt Kathy, my mother, and my husband. Their advice often overlaps, which helps so much when making a decision. Recently, my mother came to visit me in California. I asked her to, essentially, tell me what to do from this point forward with my career. We talked it out for a while and she strongly advised that I get my Master's as my next step. Thinking it out, she is absolutely right. Not only is the Master's the "new" high school diploma, in that it is pretty much required to get any likelihood for promotions these days, it is also a great interim "job" while I am at home with my kid(s). I will pursue a Master's online from an accredited college. Immediate problem solved. Now when the hypothetical interviewer asks me what I've been up to for the past (x number of) years, I can say: why, I've been getting my Master's degree while taking care of my kid(s)! Multitasking!
So, the squirming about my future and the significant relief it brought me to have a game plan got me thinking. Why am I so laser-focused on such a specific career path with such a specific definition of success? Isn't that surely setting me up for failure? And why am I so uncomfortable with anything other than my overly thought-out and sometimes unrealistic dream-sequence future?
Ambition is certainly a factor I can't ignore. My mother constantly tells me that I see an idealistic version of how the world works; that the amount and quality put into one's work always equals the just reward. In some ways I still believe that, much to my mother's chagrin. Though time and time again, fate has slapped me hard in the face with its antithesis. I had more than one instance where I felt I put in the appropriate work (or more than was necessary) to get my desired reward, be it the raise, the job, etc. and for unforeseen (and sometimes even foreseen, I admit) external circumstances, I did not get it. Each time it was a blow to my ego, interpreting it as personal rejection, and I mourned it by wallowing and punishing myself.
As I get older and (dear God I hope) wiser, I am starting to recognize this pattern and where the kink in the chain really is. My masochistic reaction to the big bad world's letdowns is a symptom of insecurity. I know, I know... duh, right? I automatically assumed when things didn't go favorably for me that it was my fault; that I didn't perform well enough in the interview or didn't have the guts to ask for more. Well, excuse my language but that is just bullshit. I am a hard worker, I am smart, and when people overlooked or underestimated me it was because of their shortcomings, not mine. As a society, we encourage men to be confident and strong leaders but women are still expected to be humble and grateful for the fraction they get. If a woman says the things I just typed about myself, they are labeled as full of themselves. Well, I refuse to continue to carry the burden of other people's mistakes for not recognizing my potential. I am not perfect, but at least I have enough drive for self-improvement to analyze my imperfections. I believe as I internalize this new mindset, good things will come my way in my career while future inevitable "rejections" will slide off my back much easier.
I shared this because I get the sense that a lot of people are going through these same pressures and insecurities. If that's you, I hope my words can comfort you and hopefully inspire you to look inward to analyze yourself fairly.
So back to the first sentence of this entry, who cares if it isn't perfect. I wrote what I was thinking the way I was the thinking it, and that's good enough because I am good enough.
After much contemplation, written expression, and multiple baby feedings, it's now time for bed...
